Relationships
Feeling Understood Comes Before Fixing
When the same problem keeps coming back, it is often not about fixing behavior. Feeling understood is what usually allows things to change.
Someone tells you a problem, and you can already see the solution.
You offer advice, explain the facts, or point out what to do next. Instead of feeling helped, the person becomes more upset. You may think, “Why tell me if you do not want an answer?”
Often, the person needs to feel reached before he can use the solution.
Why fixing can feel lonely
A child describing a friendship problem may first need to know that the rejection hurt. A teenager talking about a mistake may need someone to understand the embarrassment before discussing consequences. An adult may know the practical answer and still need a spouse or friend to recognize how heavy the situation feels.
When we fix too quickly, the unintended message can be, “Your feeling is a problem to remove.” The person may repeat himself, raise his voice, or shut down because the emotional part still has not been received.
Feeling understood does not mean the listener agrees with every conclusion. It means the person can tell that his experience reached another mind.
Listen for the experience
Before offering a solution, try:
“That sounds disappointing.”
“You felt alone in that moment.”
“I can see why you were nervous, even though I see part of it differently.”
Then check:
“Do you want me to listen, help you think, or tell you what I would do?”
This question saves both people from guessing. Sometimes the answer is “I need advice.” Sometimes it is “Just stay with me for a minute.”
Understanding and responsibility can coexist
Validation is not approval. You can understand why a child was furious and still address the way he spoke. You can recognize an adult’s hurt and still disagree with an accusation.
A balanced response sounds like:
“I understand what made this painful. We also need to talk about what happened next.”
Once people feel seen, they are often more able to think, hear another perspective, and take responsibility.
The next time you feel the urge to solve immediately, ask: Have I understood the problem, and has the person felt understood by me?
